How not to kill yourself:
Slitting wrists:
Tell me anyone you know who has ever died by that method. Horizontal wrist slitting causes blood clotting and everyone will know you were influenced from movies because other legit ways of killing yourself requires balls
Death By hanging:
The most common and popular technique. But you don’t know how to tie even then simplest of knots and let along the hangmans knot. If the knot is not proper it can fail in the most bizarre of ways one of which is your neck breaks and you are a paraplegic all your life. Any part below the neck can simply not move and you can’t ever speak and then you can choose to kill yourself again. Worse from where you started.
Sleeping Pills:
Once again tell me anyone you know who has ever died by this method. Only way you can die is if you choke on your vomit and the incompetent doctors might side you as a drug addict. Plus if you don’t die the recovery and detox process is very painful and your toilet will be bloody. Plus you will never get the drugs in the first place until your friend or doctor agrees on your intention.
Jumping of a tall building:
First read about Vesna Vulovic then using good logistics visualize the idea of the odds that your plan might not work. Then imagine the repercussions.
How to kill yourself:
Self-Immolation:
Reduce the effort of your parents from the burden of funeral processes. Burn yourself in the middle of a lonely road and let the street dogs have a god feast.
Shoot yourself:
If you got a gun
Cyanide:
Once again if you manage to get it.
Choose to get stalked:
Go to Delhi for best results. Come under the radar of a busy locality and you will find your stalker. Tease him by never talking a step further. Further Results guaranteed.
Eat Beef out in the open:
It will be painful though
Interracial marriage:
Might as well get a chance to get killed your own family members
How to try and not kill yourself:
Maybe you have the burden of your poor father spending his blood and sweat on your engineering coaching and you still can’t help it. Well if you can’t talk your father about your capabilities and interests let alone the world. Or if your father thinks you lack balls because you cannot be a respectable rank among a group of turds and you feel embarrassed causing you to kill yourself. Well you can always choose to run away and if you don’t have the balls and you are used to luxury go burn yourself.
You get mocked, teased and beaten in school. Well you don’t have the guts to face a school boys let alone the world. Just start a fight, bleed a little and get ugly. Instead be suicidal and before that choose to commit a sin by murdering the ones who bully you. It’s just a little blood and bruises and a torn shirt.
Got raped that too in India. The act and the consequences are not at all your fault. You have all the right to be a terrorist. Die in the process of spreading terror and gaining satisfaction in the screams of people who disown you or refuse to accept you. Harbour two huge dogs and always take them with you wherever you go. The will protect you in your further endeavours and they will eat a dead body from tip to top. However you will find true love in your pursuit of death by coming across a boy who will love you. But run away because you have blood on your hands.
Lost your parents or your wife or kids. If that was a reason to die no one would choose to be soldiers and us would all die eventually? In the long course of your life you have received the service of many people in many forms and all of them have suffered. Serve and try to stop other families from detaching.
You committed a crime and you repent it. Exile yourself and go help the poor.
Your boyfriend/girlfriend dumped you. WEL…..YUCK!!!!!
(Dedicated to an old lady in the village who walks 13 km everyday for pension of rupess 44 because the government is too lazy to reach the inner villages of small majorities whose votes dont make a difference. Also to the worthless lifestyle and the more than worthless sorrows of the mordern lifestlye)
